From: Swanson, James[SMTP:JSWANSON@HATCH.CA]
Sent: Monday, April 08, 2002 11:25:37 AM
Subject: [BRAINTMR] Rachael Lynn Ayling 1979-2002 Auto forwarded by a Rule
My apologies for sending this both to the brain tumor mailing list and to individuals.
It is with Great sadness, as well as with great joy that I belatedly inform you that my love, my heart, my dear sweet Rachael went to rest with the Lord who saved her, and whom she loved, on Saturday March the 30th at 6:00 AM
So much has happened in the three weeks prior to Rachaels passing that I could write a novel.....so many wonderful things she did, so many times the Lord gave comfort and hope, and help, so much suffering, and so much sorrow.
Rachael suffered greatly, but through it all the Lord kept her...and she was very much our beloved, the Lords servant: Rachael. Never did she complain, never did she shed a tear for herself. When she said she wanted the pain to end, and I wept on her breast she simply said "don't pay any attention to me...I'm on a lot of medication ok? You just ignore me".
She accepted going blind with simply a shrug...just wanting to make sure that the nurses and the doctors had enough light so that they wouldn't trip and could do their work.
When the days came where she had almost no strength, she used it to reach weakly up, and cradle my head against her breast. When she spoke, her words were full of meaning, wishing that "people would take heaven more seriously..... because its so important."
For three weeks I was surrounded by doctors and nurses who would leave Rachaels room and wonder what had just happened....they had entered with the prospect of trying to help a dying young woman...and had left encouraged, and touched, and having only spoken about themselves....
For three weeks I was surrounded by the aged and dying, who looked so bitterly at the end of their lives, and could only purse their lips when they walked by the room, seeing a 22 year old in incredible suffering, with her beautiful smile trying hard to feed herself, or drink so as (in her words) "not to become lazy", or send herself into seizure straining to meet the physiotherapists requests.
When I became very ill, and told her I had to leave the hospital, she thought I was driving the 6 hours back to my home ( I was only going back to where I was staying close to the hospital), leaving her alone, she only said "I understand....that's OK....you remember that I love you OK?"
Knowing full well that she was dying, Rachael simply took delight in the triumphs of others without bitterness, holding her newborn niece, though she could not see her, talking to her sisters about the new lives they were starting with their husbands, giving my hand a little squeeze to make sure that I was ok, as I wept knowing that we would never be together like they would.
Rachael wanted so much for people to understand that these bodies we have are only dust....that they are not even our own....that every step and breath is taken by the grace of God alone: were he to withdraw his breath, we would be gone. She wanted us to understand that there was hope beyond death....life after life, that Gods Son not only made a way, but gave strength to follow him.
Rachael certainly proved that to me. Rachael wondered at how anyone without the hope of eternal salvation could endure such a thing....and it is certainly beyond me. Those who know the Lord Jesus as their Lord and savior will understand...I apologize if I cannot explain it well to those who don't.
For those who believe, please pray for Rachaels family and myself. Please pray that those who saw Rachaels life, and her death, and are not saved would come to a realization that (in Rachaels words again) "The biggest, the most important thing in your life is your death" that they would come to know the assurance of sins forgiven, and a place in God presence because of what his Son did on the cross.
And please pray for me, as I seek to find my way without my beautiful, wonderful "sweetcheeks".
She was never mine....she was always his, and humbly submitted to his will to take her home. I know that despite our love, there is nothing here that would make her want to come back to this place.
For those of you who read the bible, my reading with Rachael on the day after she passed (that is, on the Sunday) would have been the gospel of John chapter 11.
I thought that Rachael was very much like Martha, who left the place of death behind her, to go on before and see the Lord...and whom the Lord also brought with him when he returned....to raise the dead. We look eagerly forward to the day when we will see Rachael whole.
Thank-you to all on the list, as well as the individuals for your wonderful support, and prayers, and thoughts.
God Bless,
James Swanson jswanson@hatch.ca jks@cyberbeach.net
Boyfriend of Rachael 22 y/o. GBM IV DX/SX 23/10/01 "Complete" resection, very minor short term memory loss. MRI 10/12/01 No sign of regrowth (Praise God!) Low dose Temodar (75 mg/day) concurrent with Radiation Completed Radiation in January Weaned Decadron too fast. ICU for 1 week with Grand Mals 02/2002 MRI shows suspicious areas on Spine and "enhancement on opposite side from tumor :( 02/2002 Began Temodar regular dose 380 mg/day Lower body weakness, vision problems, fatigue, focal seizures Major seizures. Into Palliative care in local hospital 03/15/2002 Into Ottawa General, MRI shows no change 03/20/2002 MRI interpretation changed, enhancement in CSF everywhere 03/21/2002 To rest at the Saviors feet: March 30th, 2002 Zofran, Ranitidine, Gravol, Vioxx, Mobicox, Tylenol III, Dilodid, Madazelpan (sp?) and a host of others... Merrickville, Ontario Canada