My Memories of Rachael

The above picture was chosen by Rachael, in an e-card she sent me.

Introduction

I have, and am using this page to record some of my memories of Rachael. I know that it is popular to say that “Time heals all wounds” but I doubt it is truly so. I know that the nature of our minds and our bodies in this life dictates that the ravages of time will dull our memories and our thoughts, and this, rather than time itself, is often what takes away the hurt. There is, however, a healing process that takes time, and there are wounds that simply will not heal in this lifetime. When I look at he people around me I try to remember that they most likely carry these wounds, and I pray God gives sensitivity to them, to be kind and caring and gentle, because people are fragile and precious.

Those who know Rachael know that she had a God given gift for dealing with people, all kinds of people. She certainly worked her way into my heart with ease, and I know she did with so many others, in such a short lifetime. I am writing down these memories mostly for my own sake, unsure of whether or not anyone else would ever be interested. For me, though, they are precious, a fragrance of Rachael herself, a reminder, and a bulwark against the forgetfulness that I know will come with time. I look forward to the Kingdom of God, and a resurrected and new body, where I will be able to dwell on Gods working through Rachael with perfect memory.

There are, of course, some who urge us to forget our loved ones. Mostly they are those who have not faced the loss of their beloved. I understand that until then, they will never understand, and in that light, it makes the hurtful suggestions easier to take. I wrote the poem below with that in mind, frustrated and weeping under the pressure of the world to put away what is precious to me, just because it hurts. I promised I’d remember, and so I will (Psalm 15:1,4)

Some days I am not myself

Some days I am not here, I dwell in another place and time

Some days I cannot see, only look trough these walls and the pavement under my feet

Some days I can stare for hours, or just walk and walk

Some days I cannot rise at all

Some days I dwell in a rare light that no one else can see

Some days I can almost feel that touch, hear that voice, and breathe that same sacred air

Some days the joy returns to bless me again, and I give thanks

Some days I walk in darkness, and I can taste its bitterness

Some days I see that terror, and know the same helplessness and fear

Some days the loss overwhelms me

Some days the memory rises like a spectre

Some days those iron bands bind my chest, and I can hardly breathe

Some days my steps are heavy and my heart is leaden

Some days I cannot lift my eyes and unbidden, my tears sting my cheeks

Some days they are sweet and food for my soul

Comfort me, encourage me, grieve with me, remember with me

Speak to me softly, and guide my steps

But don't deny me, and don't rebuke me

Don't urge upon me that which I simply cannot do

Don't ask me to forget

Don't tell me that there is only the future, though I would that you bring it to mind

for there has always been, and will always be the past

Don't entreat me as if I were something I am not

Don't ask me to stem the flood that has no gate

or turn off what has no switch

Don't tell me to be something other

because you hold before my failing eyes something that today I cannot grasp

I cannot raise the dead, and I would not

though I know one who can

What has been, has been

I cannot change the past and I know he will not

If you would be a friend then remind me

Walk with me in those times, good and bad

For what has passed was sweet fellowship

And when you turn away it only passes again

I will not ask you to enter in

I would not want you to bear what I bear

But I know, that if you did, you would understand

And you too would remember, both sorrow and joy

You too would hold on to one, and not let go of the other

Some days, my friends, I am not myself

Memories

Camp Galilee. Renfrew Ontario. July 24,2000:

During Daycamp, I met Rachael the last night of the Staff social evening. I had not been to any the whole time, not knowing many people, and generally being uncomfortable in crowds. I had noticed Rachael before, how pretty she was, and how great she was with the kids. I was in my cabin alone, playing Diablo II on my laptop (at Bible camp! I know!). I decided to get a drink, and went to the social to get something. While there, almost no-one spoke to me, but on the way out, I caught Rachaels eye, and she introduced herself. Over hot chocolate, we talked about heavy metal music, social outcasts and the need for understanding, about “the Sudbury Boys” that I had discipled, and that she knew from previous years at camp. Whenever she would smile, her one eye would close a little more than the other, and it looked almost like she was winking. I was hooked. In remembering that time together, I would always accuse her of winking at me, even though she hardly knew me. Together, we praised God for winks and Hot Chocolate.

Post Camp Galilee. Renfrew Ontario. July 2000:

I invited Rachael to come to visit her Sister Sarah, and Rob in Peterborough, as an excuse to spend more time with her. He stopped off in Renfrew at eh Wendy’s to get a bite to eat. Galen and I had gotten our food, and she was in line at the Tim Hortons lineup. I stole a balloon from the Wendy’s counter, walked over to her in the middle of the lineup, and gave it to her without a word. She laughed, and held onto the balloon the whole time it took to get her order. I knew then and there she had a great sense of humour.

Peterborough Ontario, Summer 2000

Once we got to Peterborough, I took Rachael, Rob Sarah and Galen to the Pizza factory. I consider it our first pre-date date. We ate outside on the patio, and Sarah and Rob teased Rachael about needing to keep all of her food separate on her plate. Later, we went grocery shopping, where I bought my can of Lego, and goofed off with Galen while Rachael Rob and Sarah did some actual shopping.

Mississauga/Toronto/Oakville Ontario, Fall 2000 – Rachaels first Visit

One weeknight, I was surprised to get a phone call from Rachael, saying that she was in town at the train station in Toronto, and wondering if I would pick her up. I was shocked, and had no idea she was coming. She told me she would be staying either with her sister Heather at her place in Scarborough, or at Jeremy Langdons Parents place, where her sister might stay for the week-end. I picked her up at the train station (which was a big deal, as I had not driven in downtown TO, and was not comfortable with it, or confident that I could even find the train she was getting off of). I arrived really early, and walked around underground at the station for a bit, not really having a clue where I was.

When she eventually arrived, we put her stuff in my truck (the Jeep) and went walking around downtown so that we could talk. It was a long week-end, and all of the downtown seemed dead. We walked along bay street and front street. She told me about her times visiting Jen in Toronto, and her time at College taking journalism. We spoke a lot about her friend who was a bit of a punk, and who was involved in political activism in Toronto, and how she worried for her and prayed for her. We determined to remember her in our prayers. Sadly, I cannot recall her name, and was not able to locate her to let her know of Rachaels death. One of the many regrets I carry, that weighs heavily on my heart. Later I drove her to the Langdon’s, where she met up with her sister.

The next evening, I went to visit her at the Langdon’s. We spent a good bit of time sitting at the Kitchen table, where I found a little Teddy bear, and began doing Darth Vader impressions with it to make her laugh. We talked and laughed with Jeremy and Heather late into the night. A precious time.

Rachael and I went for a walk later on together. I was concerned about the boldness she was showing in her apparent interest, and wanted to talk to her about getting to know someone, and my convictions about dating, and marriage, flirting etc. I thought for sure that it would scare her off, but she showed an incredible depth of understanding, and a maturity that I knew was not from head knowledge, but was coming from her heart. She told me about her previous relationship and how it had ended, and I began to get a glimpse of the depth of her trials and spirit. I began to fall in love. We agreed that we needed to really get to know each other, and the best way to do that was through talking about Gods word, and our convictions. From that day onward, virtually every evening, we spoke on the phone for hours, talking about our lives, the Lord, and the future. We both agreed that we were not phone people, and that we shouldn’t expect to hear from each other every day, but we were completely addicted to each other. Later on, we would look back and see that normally neither of us would have selected the process that came about in getting to know each other. Everything seemed to be accelerated. I think that the Lord planned it that way, so that we could have time together as a couple before the Lord called her home, and so that we could be together when he did.

Oakville Ontario, Fall 2001? - Our Favourite Date

We walked from my house on Constance down to the Garlok Gardens on the Lakeshore in hopes of seeing the flowers and the art in the little museum they had there. The museum was open, but most of the flowers were gone, as it was the end of the season. We walked along the lakeshore, and went out onto the pier where Rachael told me about her Grandfathers houseboats, and the times she went with him on short trips, and the trips he had taken with the other girls. We talked about her going to concerts with her Dad, and how much she appreciated his willingness to come, and drive her, even though other people thought it was funny. She loved her father so much, and loved to spend time with him, that she didn’t care what people thought. She was humble and thankful as ever.

We sat on the bench at the waterfront looking up at the clouds and trying to find shapes. It was a beautiful sunny day. I told her then, how much I wanted to kiss her, but didn’t think it was appropriate yet. Later she told me how much she wished I had kissed her. We went and looked at the are gallery, and she told me about the pictures that were hanging in the store she worked at in Perth (Kellys) that were similar. After that we sat on the bench at the front f the park, and watched as some parents let their two little kids play with and chase some Canada geese. We both forecasted trouble for the little kids, and commented about the ignorance the parents obviously had about geese. Sure enough, the young boy tried to grab one, and it chased him. The parents were more traumatized than the kids. We would constantly joke afterwards about yuppie parents, and killer Canada geese.

When I asked her years alter what her favourite date was, she said it was this one, and I agreed.

Oakville Ontario, Summer 2001 – The First time Rachael Cooked for me

On one of Rachaels visits to Oakville, she wanted to cook me something, so we picked out a recipe from my Campbell’s soup cookbook, and went grocery shopping at the local IGA/IDA. We picked up the stuff needed for pasta with a creamy broccoli chicken sauce. While we were out, we tried to pick up some sweet wine to try. Knowing nothing about wine we picked up a Strawberry(?) Zinfandel, and another fruit type wine.

When we got home to my apartment, Rachael was nervous because she knew I had worked in an Italian restaurant for a long time, and had made a lot of pasta. We had so much fun cooking that we really forgot she was supposed to cook, and it ended up that I did most of it. The broccoli was so overcooked it fell apart into tiny little pieces. Rachael had purchased a set of placemats, napkins, and two candle stick holders as a surprise, so she set them up on the floor in the living room (since I had no table or dining area). She had two candles that she God from kellys, that were Pumpkin smelling, we lit them, poured the wine and began our romantic candlelight dinner on the floor! Within moments, I was sneezing, had asthma, and was blowing my nose like crazy. I was very allergic to the smell from the candles. My eyes were burning and blurring, and I was having a hard time getting food in my mouth, being unable to see. We had a good laugh, got rid of the pumpkin candles, and finished our meal with joy and thankfulness.

Oakville Ontario, Summer 2001 – Our First Kiss

We were watching Die Hard on my TV, using the DVD-ROM drive that I had purchased for my computer. It was the latest and greatest technology, and I was excited to show it off to her. I was sitting on the floor next to the couch, and she way lying on the couch. When the movie was over she leaned over and kissed me. I was surprised, and asked her, “Where did that come from?” (Die Hard is not exactly a romantic movie). She said something along the lines of, if she had to wait for me to make the first move for a kiss she would be waiting forever, so she just went ahead and did it.