The following is a letter I sent to the brain Tumor bereavement list...a list full of those whose heart have been broken. To be honest, I don't know how many find the courage to go on, and to be truthful...some don't. What I do know is that Rachaels strength was in the Lord, and he is my only hope, and shield, and Lord.
Back to the letter....This was sent to try and express in some small way my understanding of the "Why?" In truth, many of the thoughts contained in this message come from Rachael herself, and the quiet words exchanged late into the night as she declined, and our realization grew.
Though I don't find myself asking the same questions of the Lord as I have seen others do, I hope that they can know I feel the loss no less keenly.
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Swanson, James
> Sent: Wednesday, August 07, 2002 11:15 AM
> To: 'bereavement@yahoogroups.com'
> Subject: "THE reason"
>
>
> Hello Friends,
>
> Although I changed the subject line of this message, I
> suppose it is really partly in response to the posts on the
> loss of passion, as well as things that I have been thinking
> on since my beloved Rachael passed last March. Actually, in
> truth, I had been thinking about them well before Rachael
> passed, since she became ill really. The process of talking
> about these things with Rachael, many long nights of prayer,
> and searching our hearts, and the scriptures...bittersweet
> times indeed. When she passed I counted it a TRUE privilege
> to have been able to serve her, to hold her hand, to be a
> part of her understanding of all of this, in some small way.
>
> Throughout Rachael's battle folks, when they found out what
> she was facing, constantly expressed shock and horror and
> almost more than all else, a total lack of comprehension as
> to "why" this would happen to a beautiful, sweet, and
> innocent young girl.
>
> Although it was mostly expressed as "How could this happen?"
> Rachael and I knew what they meant was "Why would something
> like this happen?". Whenever this was expressed Rachael and I
> would share a glance, or a squeeze of the hand, and I would
> listen as she explained her understanding, and the peace that
> God had given in her heart.
>
> Platitudes, of course, offer little comfort or shed any light
> for those who are truly grieving. "The sun will rise
> tomorrow", "You'll learn to love again", "Sending you warm
> thoughts", "Time heals all wounds". Warm and tender hearts
> can offer these things, but we can testify that their balm is
> lacking a true power to heal. No light of meaning, no word
> of truth is shed on our loss, on the suffering of our loved
> ones by such things....though God Bless those who offer them
> with sincere, caring, and honest compassion. They simply
> cannot enter in.....
>
> Nor is science a help to our hearts.
> Science may ever explain the method of things, but never the
> meaning.....it may enlighten the process of life (and death),
> but never the purpose. If you are on this list then you are
> acutely aware that these frames, our bodies, are simply
> dust....the same elements of the very earth we tread simply
> rearranged. Dust we are, and to dust we will return.
>
> To some of us, this truth has come as a shock. We find
> ourselves (our minds and our hearts) completely unprepared
> when we are faced with the frailty, the brevity of all things
> physical...and what a shock it was.
>
> But what of the soul? That is a different matter entirely.
>
> To a certain extent we all understand this don't we?
> I recall standing in the basement of the small country church
> after giving Rachaels eulogy, shaking hands with people from
> different cultures, different walks of life, disparate
> beliefs, absence of beliefs......
>
> Looking into their eyes with a trembling heart I listened to
> each and every one offer what comfort they felt they could.
> Through their stumbling words and nervous glances, without
> exception each and every one touched on matters of the soul.
> Not a one offered the physical, the temporal, as comfort. Not
> a one offered money, or possessions....none dared to suggest
> a replacement for what was lost.
>
> Instinctively what was given, what was touched upon
> (clumsily, for what man can masterly handle such things?)
> were matters of the Soul. Not replacements for what was lost,
> but reminders of what remained.....the Soul of the matter,
> the Soul of our beloved Rachael. Each one knew that if there
> was any comfort....it was to be found there, all else was
> simply a distraction.
>
> Although some of us may seek the numbness of distraction...of
> forgetting...giving up the search, filling the void of the
> soul, with the business of the body.....but none of it really
> works does it? Meaning is not to be found in such things, and
> the hunger of the heart is not long satisfied with the vapor
> of mundane.
>
> Rachael knew the truth of this while she lived....and therein
> was the meaning, and the reason that she had found.
> If she had tried to search for truth, for "the reason" in
> physical things, in the pursuit of pleasure, of possessions,
> of self, she would not have reached this conclusion.
> Possessions, and pleasure all would have faded eventually,
> and their enjoyment with them....they too, are but dust.
>
> How could she enter into the matters of the soul? How can we?
> Such things are so foreign to our present existence.....they
> cannot be touched, or tested, or manipulated by these frail
> hands of ours. We cannot store hope in a box, or spirit in a
> jar. Love has no unit of measure, the spirit no dimension to
> cast our eyes upon.
>
> Rachael had found that the truth of the soul, the reason, the
> meaning, was not be constructed, or distilled.....it was
> simply revealed. Completely outside of herself, completely
> beyond her control.
> A perspective of the soul is what comforted Rachael in her
> suffering, and what has comforted me since. Knowing that,
> although with my eyes I can see no good that is come of what
> has transpired....my vision is not complete, it is not the
> standard, or the measure of matters of the soul.
>
> Though I can find no physical reason for what she endured,
> the physical has never had the quality of endurance. The
> spiritual, the eternal, is the realm of hope, and meaning, and reason.
>
> I doubt I will know, in this life, why the Lord led Rachael
> through the journey that he did.
> In seeing her life, and her death, I am painfully aware of my
> lack of understanding, of my inability to grasp the whole
> meaning and reason for what happens here. But in a very real
> way, this is also a comfort to me. The truth of it strikes me
> often: that in our journey sometimes we stand upon the shore,
> and from there feel the gentle wake...and sometimes we are on
> the waters, tossed by the swell, and moved by the waves...but
> each of these things is the sign of Gods passing....of that
> which is beyond our control. From the shore I can only see
> the waves, and from the swell I cannot see the shore. I don't
> have the perspective, nor the ability to grasp all it. But
> there is one who does.
>
> Rachael had been praying in the weeks before her diagnosis
> that the Lord would use her as his servant in "whatever way
> you want". The way that she and I wanted to serve was as
> husband and wife, as a father, and mother, lover and friend.
> But that was not the plan. The Lord answered Rachaels prayer,
> and used her, both in words, and spirit, and through what she
> endured, to speak to many, myself included....to urge us to
> seek peace with God, meaning in life, the eternal
> perspective, and "THE reason".
>
> God used her in that way.
> Was that "THE reason" From where I stand...from my
> perspective.....it was a reason....I doubt I can see the whole of it.
>
> Was it worth it? That to, is a matter of perspective....and a
> matter of the soul.
> Can I measure the weight of things eternal vs. those that are
> temporal? Can I here, and now, enter into what her suffering
> in this life, have wrought in the next? Glimpses above the
> swell are all I can see from here....only flashes of the
> eternal shore. I long to join her there....and there
> understand the whole of it.
>
> The book of Job says:
>
> "He alone stretches out the heavens and treads the waves of
> the sea..He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
> miracles that cannot be counted. When he passes me, I cannot
> see Him; when he goes by I cannot perceive Him. If he
> snatches away, who can stop him? Who can say to him: What are
> you doing?
>
> How then can I dispute with Him? How can I find words to
> argue with Him?
> Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only
> plead with my Judge for mercy.
>
> He is not a man like me that I might answer Him, that we
> might confront each other in court. If only there were
> someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us
> both, someone to remove Gods rod from me...
> Oh that my words were recorded, that they were written on a
> scroll, that they were inscribed with an iron tool on lead,
> or engraved in rock forever!
>
> I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will
> stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed
> yet, in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with
> my own eyes...how my heart yearns within me." (Job 16, 19)
>
> God Bless,
> James Swanson
> jswanson@hatch.ca
> jks@cyberbeach.net
> Jhn 3:27, 30
>
> Boyfriend of Rachael 22 y/o - My Beloved. September 17th,
> 1979 - March 30th, 2002
> GBM IV DX/SX 23/10/01 "Complete" resection, very minor short
> term memory loss.
> MRI 10/12/01 No sign of regrowth (Praise God!)
> Low dose Temodar (75 mg/day) concurrent with Radiation
> Completed Radiation 01/2002
> Weaned Decadron too fast. ICU for 1 week with Grand Mals 02/2002
> MRI shows suspicious areas on Spine and "enhancement on
> opposite side from tumor :( 02/2002
> Began Temodar regular dose 380 mg/day
> Lower body weakness, vision problems, fatigue, focal seizures
> Major seizures. Into Palliative care in local hospital 03/15/2002
> Into Ottawa General, MRI shows no change 03/20/2002
> MRI interpretation changed, enhancement in CSF everywhere 03/21/2002
> To rest at the Saviors feet: March 30th, 2002, 6:00 AM - the
> very moment the sun crested the horizon.
> Zofran, Ranitidine, Gravol, Vioxx, Mobicox, Tylenol III,
> Dilodid, Madazelpan (sp?) and a host of others...
> Merrickville, Ontario Canada
> http://www.ozbraintumour.org/ayling.htm