Many of You will know that Rachaels name means "little Lamb". It is, of course, a fitting name for her, and one her parents chose well. This section contains a number of things Rachael said to me throughout her illness, or just before. They are truly remarkable things, and speak of how much insight the Lord had given her, how much wisdom was contained in our little Lamb, and her giant heart. I can only imagine the things she said to her dear mother and Father as they watched over her.
I hope that you will forgive me, and I try to forgive myself, as I tried to write down, over the past year, exactly what Rachael said...word for word. But sometimes my memory has failed, with the stress of the moments in which these things were uttered, and the grief that has since washed over me, I fear that I have not remembered perfectly either the context, or the quotation.
I am sorry. More than you know.
If you would like to add to this list, as I know so many of you visited her in her illness, please e-mail me, and I will gladly add them to this list.
In the hospital, in her final three weeks, spoken to Me, and Others:
"I wish.....I wish" (When I couldn't guess what she wanted) "No...I wish people would take heaven more seriously...cause its so important."
In the hospital in Ottawa before her initial surgery, after a night with almost no sleep we prayed that she would be able to get a nights rest. In the morning I came in and she was sitting up reading her Bible. Her beautiful blue eyes were bloodshot, she hadn't slept all night. I asked her what happened. She said she couldn't sleep after I had left the previous night, so she started reading her bible. She got so excited that she couldn't sleep and stayed up reading all night and praising the Lord.
She explained how all the people (friends and family and believers) were so nice that it made her understand more than ever how much God loved her. That if these people loved her so much...how much more did God love her?! And for that reason she couldn't sleep. She said that she didn't tell this to other people because they would think she was crazy but:
"This is the best thing that has ever happened to me...I understand Gods love so much better! It's a win-win situation! If I die, I get to be with Him, and if he heals me, I get to stay here with you, and my family"
Just before her initial Surgery to remove her tumour, to me,
"The biggest thing...the most important thing in your life, is your death."
As I woke up one morning in her home in Merrickville, went to her bedside and gently woke her. She lay in her bed, having been unable to sleep well for a few weeks, and feeling ill always in the morning. I was discouraged, and began to weep:
"Whats wrong?"
I said "Nothing...its just we really need the Lords help right now..."
With a smile Rachael tousled my hair and replied, "Yeah.....just like every other day right?"
In the Hospital in Ottawa, during her final three weeks, to her parents and me:
"I hope we all get to Heaven soon."
When we were alone in the ICU in Smiths falls, the first time we had been alone for a while, after we had almost lost her, and she began to recover for a time:
"I just wish the pain would end" As I began to cry and lay my head on her breast,
"James? you don't listen to me ok? I'm n a lot of medication....you just ignore what I say ok?"
During her final three weeks, to me, in the hospital:
"I'm just so tired of this world."
During her final three weeks in the Ottawa hospital. After the Dr. had said there was nothing to be done to treat the pain for the tumour which had spread to her spine, and no further treatment options. When we were alone:
I said to her "Do you know what's happening sweetheart?
"I know"
"I just want to make sure you understand"
As she held my hand she said "I know....I just want to make sure YOU understand."
"I do sweetheart"
She said "you understand that sometimes its a lot better to be in heaven than it is here?"
"I understand sweetheart....when the time comes you just go....you just go with the angels Rach..." With that she fell asleep.
Just before she was transferred to Ottawa from the Smiths Falls ICU, where she suffered incredibly, and her dear mother watched over her. As I was telling her how proud I was of her and how brave she was, holding her hand Rachael said:
"When is it my turn?"
"Your turn for what sweetheart" I asked, thinking that she may have thought we were playing a game, and I was trying to encourage her.
"My turn to talk.....you have to tell me when to go...I've never done this before....you just tell me when and I'll say it."
"Say what, Sweetheart?" I asked
Rachael patted my hand and said "You just tell me when to say 'I do' "