All work and no fun makes a lion awful glum!!!!!

Click the dog and try our "PSYCHIC TAILTWISTER"

Hope you have a laugh as you read on.

MORE TO COME.....

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One seventy-year-old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty-year-old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety-year-old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

What Sex Are They? ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL - female! .... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

What My Mother Taught Me 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 1. If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of you neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. > "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

What's another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything is color-coded. The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end." BUT the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on because there are no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."